I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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