i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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