Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
