When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
