my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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