tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
