If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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