At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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