so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
