You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You took a bar mat shot.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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