The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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