Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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