Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
