I think my vagina is haunted
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
