Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
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Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
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I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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