Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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