the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you had me at cake vodka
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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