I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
