my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
