He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
