Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
