Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
