you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
