1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
