You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
