I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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