she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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