Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
