woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
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Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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