My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
