you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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