I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
