In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
