Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize