You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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