dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
