first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i love accidental penises.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
