It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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