then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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