Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
