Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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