im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she woke up with a sticky ear
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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