Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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