I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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