i just sent this text using only my big toe
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
