he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
