Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
