FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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