I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
