So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
