"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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