so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
