She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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