OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
