In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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