Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
