So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
