His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
